Birthday Cake

A Letter On Your First Birthday

My dear beautiful darling daughter.

This afternoon will mark your first complete journey around the sun. Last year Daddy and I weren’t sure that you would make it to your first month, let alone your first year. But, even before you were born, you were defying all the odds.

So, today we share a birthday, because before you, I wasn’t a mother.

I watch you grow every day, and seeing your world expand before you makes my heart grow like the Grinch’s heart (don’t worry, you’ll understand this later). You surprise me every day, and you make me smile when I think that I can’t go on. You are, in many senses, the reason that I get up in the morning.

You are my special little girl – so wanted and so loved.

I love you, and I wish you could see you through my eyes.

 

Happy Birthday Kidlet.

Hemangioma Baby

My daughter has a hemangioma. Well, she was born with three. One is very small, less than the size of a dime. But she has two on her face, which, evidently is normal with hemangiomas.

What is a hemangioma? In short it’s a benign blood vessel tumour. They don’t know why the show up, but they think that heredity plays a role. They’re fairly common, and usually resolve on their own by the age of 10. But, as our daughter has two on her face, we decided to go with treatment at the Children’s Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO) . She was referred by our family doctor and has been seeing a paediatric dermatologist since she was about 3 months of age.

We elected to treat with beta blockers. This is now the most common therapy for them. We have talked to many people who have had treatment in the past and this is very much an improvement compared to freezing them or other surgeries. Laser surgery may happen down the road, but we will see how things go. Right now the smaller of the two has almost completely resolved.

I refuse to hide my daughter away from the world until they’re gone. I have been stopped and asked what they are, and I use that as an opportunity to educate people.

The child in the picture is not my daughter.

Sleeping Like A Baby?

I am beginning to think that anyone who says that has never had a child, forgot having a child or had a child that slept easily.

The Kidlet sleeps, but she fights it tooth and nail. We’re working on getting her into a schedule, and it’s mostly working, but there are still nights where we’re woken up multiple times. It doesn’t help that one of the side effects of her medications for her hemangiomas is nightmares/night terrors.

Right now she’s gone down for a nap, with little resistance. I know that children don’t get the ability to regulate their sleep cycles until around 2-3 years of age, and as someone over the age of 20, I wish there were a roll-over plan for all the naps I refused/argued against as a child.

She sleeps fine when she gets to sleep, unfortunately, though I do try to follow the advice to sleep when she sleeps, sometimes my brain, the evil lump of grey matter, likes to make me think that she’s screaming her fool head off when she’s just snoring… ah yes, a legacy from every side of her family. I will one day tell her how my grandmother maintained that she didn’t snore until one day she woke herself up…. snoring.

One of the issues with ADHD is getting your mind, which runs like a computer that’s been over clocked, to shut down when it’s time to sleep. I’ve tried prescription sleep aids, herbal teas, mindfulness exercises. My brain will just NOT shut up most days. I live on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts, as a friend of mine has said.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get my second large cup of coffee for the day, and do stupid things faster.

Begin Again

For a while I’ve been wondering if I should pick up this blog again. I am definitely a mom, and my daughter is amazing.

I would have started blogging again back in late May of last year, but I just had a mental block on it. Something a friend had said to me got my mind into the mindset of not blogging here. Then, another friend posted about her miscarriage, and well, I was drawn back to this again and again,but never managed to put fingers to keyboard to update.

So, as part of an ongoing process of getting back to being a healthier person, both mentally and physically, I’m going to be starting to blog here again. I can’t say that it’ll be on a schedule yet (being a Mom isn’t exactly to schedule yo) but I do promise that I’ll update as much as I can.

Viral Sensation

I’ve just gotten home from a week in hospital with my daughter.

She had bronchiolitis caused by a virus called RSV. She was the youngest baby admitted last week with the virus. We spent a week with her hooked up to wires and tubes. I have never, ever, been as scared as I have been this past week. I cried for the first half of the week. I seriously believed that I was going to lose my baby girl.

She got this infection in the hospital where she was born. The first person to tell me that we should’ve gone to a birthing centre… silence. Please. I was a moderate risk pregnancy with her and could not have done that, so I chose the best hospital I could.

I am very glad that we have a hospital like CHEO here where we live. I am hoping that we don’t have to go back for a long long time.

Last Post

This will be the last post for a while.

I had spotting on the 6th that went away and started again with a vengance on 9th. Went to the emergency room, and after several exams, found out that the baby had stopped developing, and so I had a D&C.

I intend to try again, and hopefully will be picking this blog back up in the near future.

 

<3 to you all.

The Breast Question

I take a bit of flack over my choice to not breastfeed the baby I’m having.

Yes, I’m aware that breastĀ is best. I would love to be able to, but…

First, I’m on psych meds. Right now kidlet has no option to ingest them. When kidlet operates in the atmosphere, I have the choice as to whether I want to continue essentially forcing psych meds on a delicate new life.

Second, as I’m on psych meds, their side effects are that of lowered milk production. I don’t want to, in essence, start something I can’t finish… If I were to breastfeed, it would be until the child is on solids. Right now, research tells me that I’m likely to get three months if I’m lucky.

I applaud mothers who are able to breastfeed. Hell, I out and out envy them.

Last Christmas

This is the last Christmas my husband and I will have as just the two of us. Next Christmas there will be a 3-4 month old with us.

Next year we will have a tree, because right now, with it just being the two of us, we can’t justify going through the pain in the butt things of decorating and having to take it down.

But next year, we’ll have someone with us, and family with us to celebrate.

I’m both scared and excited for this.

Sick, Sick and Tired.

I am exhausted.

I’ve got a sinus cold with a mild fever. Mild as in a degree. Single degree.
The sinuses. OMG. The sinuses. Forget pregnancy rhinitis. This is hell. I can’t sleep because I can’t breathe. I just want to be able to breathe out of both nostrils. And I can’t take half the meds I’d normally take with the kidlet having a cosy one bedroom apartment set up.

So I’m suffering through it.

 

Stuff No One Tells You

This entry is brought to you by the sh*t no one tells you about pregnancy.

I mean, you get told that your boobs are going to get bigger, that you’re likely going to get morning sickness, that it’s not all fun and games.

But no one tells you that you’re going to get more flatulent at the time that your nose kicks into “high sniffer” alert. So everytime you pass wind, you’re killing yourself with a toxic cloud.
Or leukorrhea (leucorrhoea in the UK). Seriously. I wish someone had told me that I would possibly have the same feeling as when ovulation hitsĀ all the freaking time. Yay for crotch-snot. NOT.

No one mentions that the swelling, well, the swelling can cut nerves pathways down and give you carpal tunnel. Yeah. I haven’t had this much pain since I was typing 16 hour days in high school. And that was before the internet folks. BEFORE!

I figure at this rate, I’ll have enough to publish a book about my experience by the time this child is born.
So hang tight for another trimester’s installment of “Sh*t they didn’t tell me!”